The Mess From Hell
2004-04-14 at 12:59 p.m.
He's only two he's only two he's only two...
Don't mind me, I'm just reminding myself of G's age to keep me from opening a second story window and tossing him out, to plummet to the hard ground below.
Oh calm down. Stop dialing DFS's number - I only added that last line for affect for the story.
I'm so fuming mad, I can't see straight. I didn't accomplish much today. I seldom do, before about 3:00pm and today was no exception. Three things I did do today, were to clean the glass on the sliding glass doors, mop the hardwood kitchen floor and give G a bath, because he hasn't has one in two days.
The sliding glass doors are hard to keep clean. We don't have curtains on them yet and the kids can't seem to keep their grubby fingers off of them. This morning, I had them gleaming, front and back.
I have a means by which I clean my hardwood floor that would make most people shudder. I get on my hands and knees and wash it by hand. I use the presmoistened "safe for hardwood" Clorox wipes, but I found them to work best when using a little old fashioned elbow grease, as opposed to a mop. With my hands, I can apply the right amount of pressure so the wipes don't foam up, plus I can apply a good thumbnail behind the tougher, stickier spots. This morning, I had all the wood floors gleaming.
I usually let K bathe the kids, because they all enjoy it and it gives me a break from all the other shit I do around here. Since G either fell asleep before bathtime or boycotted it, the last two days, he was unbathen (word??) this morning. I plopped him in a tub and gave him the cleaning of a lifetime. He was pure.
Now, all three of those things have been undone. Why? What happened? I'll tell you what happened...
I GAVE G LUNCH!
I served one of his favorites - vegetable soup and rice - a dish he usually devours with little to no mess. He doesn't like to let his favorite foods go to waste! Aren't I lucky in that aspect? While he ate, I folded laundry and cleaned a bathroom - things I can do while keeping him in view. Well, evidently, I didn't have him well enough in view, because instead of consuming the food he was served, he elected to throw it around the room. He threw it at the freshly washed windows. He threw it on the freshly washed floor. He smeared it in his freshly washed hair. He catapulted a glob of rice onto a nearby wall, where it remains, still.
I was speechless. I was without speech. I didn't know where to begin to clean it or him. When I stood him up from his chair, even more fell onto the floor.
Have you ever tried to sweep wet rice? It no work. Did you ever try to wipe smushed rice from the fine, clean hair of a toddler? It no work.
He's only two. Yes, I know that. Yes, I should have put something under his chair before feeding him.
"But he usually eats so neatly" whines the writer.
Yes, I will be feeding him by hand from now on, as if he were still six months old.
Yes, he's lucky he's so damned cute.
And yes, I'm getting offline to clean this Goddamned mess now...