Take Me as I Am
2004-05-12 at 7:56 a.m.
My readership is dropping.
I used to pull in anywhere from 150-200 hits a day. Now I'm getting 40-60. I wonder why? It shouldn't bother me, and in actuality, it doesn't. I'm just curious, why the drop?
I started keeping a diary for two reasons - first and foremost, was to sort my innermost thoughts. I need to write. I crave writing. At the end of a long hard day, I have to have things written down in an orderly fashion to better deal with them. Otherwise, my thoughts are a jumbled mess that threaten to drive me insane. It's a brain-puking, of sorts.
Another reason I chose to start an online journal, is so that friends and family far away could keep upraised of my daily goings-on without my having to send emails to everyone I know, everyday of my life.
Some of my readers became aware of me because of the name: aiken4clay. They figured it must be a fansite, solely pertaining to mentions of, pictures of, and information about Clay Aiken.
While you will find that sort of thing here once in awhile, more times than not, you'll just find a daily log of the chaotic life of a housewife and mother - one who struggles with keeping the checkbook balanced, the house clean, her husband in line and her kids happy. You'll read of my battle with anxiety, depression and feelings of self-worthlessness. You'll read more than enough stories of two kids with behavioral/mental issues and the struggles that go hand in hand with it.
Whenever I sit down to write an entry, I do something I shouldn't do.
I worry.
I worry what people will think of what I'm about to write. Earlier this week, I took a good look at my stats. Certain IPs that used to make their presence known daily are conspicously absent. Why? Why have people stopped reading? Well, I decided to ask. I wrote to three people who used to read my diary on a daily or newly-updated basis. I got two replies. One person said,
"I miss reading about Clay. You used to write about nothing else but Clay and show pictures of him. Now all you write about are your kids and your new house! But it's your diary."
Another person said,
"Since you want me to be honest, I get a little tired of reading about Clay Aiken and American Idol. I started reading your diary because you were a Mom like me and I could relate to all you go through with your kids and the funny way you journal it. I don't want to read a Clay Aiken fan fiction story, so I don't read you as often."
So it seems the majority of my readers are divided into two categories: The Clay People and The Mommy People. I feel like whatever I choose to write from now on, will bore or offend one group. Well, hmmm...
I guess this entry will be a disclaimer of sorts. I have to, I simply have to write what I feel like writing. I can't always provide an entertaining balance of the two. Clay info and appearances have been fewer and further between lately. If I can't find something new about him in which to write, I won't. Sorry, Clay People.
However, if I want to write about how freakin' adorable Clay was last night on the Tonight Show, and how I cried when I heard him sing, "Solitaire", then prepare to roll your eyes, Mommies.
I hope some of my readers will come back, and that new ones will appear as well. But if they don't, I can't worry about it. I have to write as if no one is reading.
Good day.