Annoy Thy Neighbor
2004-12-08 at 1:03 p.m.
It's National Piss Linda Off week. Did you read about it? It's imprinted on all the calendars.
This is the week that salesmen have been coming, in droves, to my door. Telemarketers and sweepstakes presenters are calling my house every five minutes and my neighbor is making me want to hide in the darkest corner of my house all day.
Monday, my neighbor "M" came over five times. Let me start by saying that Monday is the day of the week I have difficulty functioning. I seldom shower or dress before 2pm. I don't clean or do laundry. It's my day to sit and do nothing. So when M came to the door the first of five times, I really would have preferred to have ignored the bell and pretended like I didn't hear her persistant ringing.
I was in the same sweats I wore to bed, I was without makeup and my hair was matted down around my blotchy face. I was not ready to face a blonde bombshell wearing a full face of warpaint and a perfect size 6 outfit.
The kids opened the door and let her in, despite my pleading through gritted teeth that they not allow themsleves to been seen through my untreated windows.
She came through the door bearing four plastic candles - you know, the kind that people without children place in their front windows this time of year. She had just bought them and then realized upon bringing them home, that she didn't have electrical outlets near her windows.
I really didn't want them, because I can only imagine how quickly G would have the blinds set ablaze by them, but I took them because I have trouble saying no to people. While she was here, she mentioned (IN FRONT OF THE BOYS) that she has some toys her daughter doesn't play with anymore and asked if I would like them. Well, geee....
Since you've mentioned it in front of the children, I guess I'll be lynched if I say no...
She left, then returned a few minutes later with armfulls of toys. Naturally, the boys fought over all of it.
"Iss mine!"
"NO! She brought it for ME!"
"Did not! Iss MINE!"
"NOOOOOOOO!!"
As if this wasn't enough, she then mentioned she had more. Balls, in fact. Footballs, soccer balls, basketballs..
She returned for round three, with balls. G took the football, threw it and broke my brand new lampshade.
She visited for a little bit, then left.
It wasn't ten minutes later that the doorbell rang again. Of course the spoiled rotten little brats children assumed she was bringing more goodies over for them. This time, she had a bag with stuff for me - kitchen towels, figurines, little country knick-knackies and I don't even remember what else.
I'm desperately trying to rid my own home of shit, and here's M trying to replenish it. It's as if she's saying this shit isn't good enough for my home, but it looks like it would suit you.
When ring number five came, even G said, "You AGAIN??" This time she wanted to know if I wanted a lamp she was getting rid of. I expected her to come right back over, but I guess six times in one day would have been too much, even for her.
She brought the lamp over yesterday. She attempted the first time while I was in the shower, then brought it back by while I was drying my hair, so I didn't see her either time.
Kev!n tells me I need to be patient with her, because she's lonely and bored and just looking for friendship. I feel bad that on one hand, I bitch that I have no friends, but get perturbed at her attempts to befriend me.
I just don't feel a connection with this woman. She's trying too hard, for one thing. I value my time and don't like having it invaded every five minutes. Plus, she's just plain weird.
There are times, when I'll be outside, standing on the porch waiting for the school bus and she'll drive by. I'll wave to her and she'll look at me like she has no idea who the hell I am.
"Remember me? I'm the one who answers this door you ring every five minutes"
A couple of weeks ago, she called here as I was on my way out the door. She was calling to ask if I wanted something else from her house she was getting rid of. When I answered the phone, there was silence. After I said hello three times, she said, "Linda? Um. This is M. I live, like... two or maybe three. (Silence) Doors down from. You??"
I swear, she sounded stoned.
Maybe I should rewrite that Christmas list and put "screened porch with locking gate" on it.
Well, I hadn't intended to spend forty-five minutes writing about my neighbor, so I'll have to save my filing a complaint against my mail carrier story for another entry.
Wait anxiously, nnkay?