Ready to hang myself...wallpaper, that is

2004-01-10 at 8:47 p.m.


Here we go again... if you hate Clay Aiken, stay the hell away from my diary. Please? You don't want to be here, I don't want you here, so please us both and just go. Kay?

On to your regularly scheduled entry...

THE PAPERING OF THE HALL BATHROOM, Thursday, January 8th, 2004

The instructions said, �Simply... � Allow me to interject, if I may. Anything that begins with the implication of the simplicity of a task, is usually a task that will prompt nightmares for months to come, possibly therapy.

�Simply soak prepasted wallpaper border strip in lukewarm water for 45 seconds. Fold the strip paste side to paste in two foot sections. Press strip to wall in desired location, smoothing out bubbles as you go. Wash away excess paste with sponge and warm water.�

It sounded easy enough. What could go wrong? Here�s how the instructions should have read:

�Soak prepasted wallpaper border strip in lukewarm water until glue begins to wash completely off of strip. Fold the strip however the strip wants to fold itself, preferably design side to back side.

When lifting the paper out of gummy lukewarm water, drip glue/water combination on floor, on which you�ll slip later in the process.

Stand on unsteady dining room chair. In doing so, be sure chair slides across the bathroom floor, giving you heart failure.

Stick wallpaper border on wall, crooked. Smooth out edges with a sponge, dripping water and glue down sides of wall. Continue along the wall until you realize you need to move to chair to reach the remainder of the wall.

Stand on the chair, using profanity, realizing that moving the chair will mean ripping the water-saturated wallpaper strip.

Rip water-saturated wallpaper strip. Injure self on way down from chair. Use additional profanity as needed. Scoot dining room chair across floor, putting gouge in drywall. Using the remainder of border, patch the ripped portion, matching it as closely to end piece of border as possible. If this is not possible, fuck it. No one will ever notice the flaw, and if they do and say so, they have no business being in your bathroom.

Continue in this fashion until papering over tub/shower, at which time you will place chair in tub. Being an angled tub, your chair slide down towards the drain, regardless of how much weight you put on it. Be sure to drop wallpaper border often, leaving glue marks on walls, shower rod, towel bars and self.

Cry.

Hang paper a good two inches higher on one side than the other. When attempting to repair this flaw, rip border. Rehang as well as possible. Don�t bother to measure anything, as you have more than enough to contend with.

Stand on toilet seat to hang border on opposite wall. Cave in plastic toilet seat lid. Fall on ass. Be aware of something falling on your head at one point during this procedure. This will be the border falling off of the first wall you papered.

Use profanity as needed.

Rehang border from first wall using Elmer�s School Glue.

Check clock, as time tends to fly during fun projects such as this! Realize you have twenty minutes before you have to leave to pick up children from school.

Slip on floor, previously saturated with glue/water mixture. Pound floor while creating fun new obscene words.

Stand on glue/water soaked vanity in sock feet. If you feel the need to lose your balance, don't be concerned. You have the toilet and rock hard linoleum to break your fall.

Hang remainder of border relatively uneventfully, going back with Elmer�s School Glue to make repairs.

Cut second roll of wallpaper border into tiny sections, so as to avoid the disasters of the first roll. Throw final section on wall, giving no thought whatsoever to its placement or accuracy. Mismatch end piece with beginning of roll you started two hours ago. Say �Oh fuck it�, jump down from chair and vow to never hang another fucking sheet of Goddamn wallpaper again!

Thank you for choosing �Hang Me, Inc.� products. We trust we�ve made this journey as difficult and frustrating as humanly possible. We look forward to your next home decoration project!�

Which, uhhh... will be next week when the wallpaper for the downstairs bath is delivered. If I live to tell about it, you�ll be the first to know.

Watch for pictures of this adventure in my next entry.



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