I hope to die soon...
2004-01-07 at 9:22 p.m.
This is the first place I come - my computer, that is, when I'm feeling low. I came here just a few minutes ago to vent the frustrations of the day. Little did I know what I would find.
My husband is in Illinois working on the race car tonight. My three beautiful boys are sleeping like angels.
My laundry is caught up, my new house is sparkling clean and there's a toasty fire burning in the fireplace.
So why do I feel like swallowing a bottle of pills or leaping out in front of an oncoming vehicle? Could it be PMS? Possibly. I mean... we've lived here since December 27th and Aunt Flo has yet to drop by to see the new place. Odd, considering she visited me ten times in the four months we lived in the apartment. But I don't think it's PMS. I think it's me. I need help.
I weaned myself off of my anti-depressant, because I failed to see any result other than costing me $20 a month. I still flew off the handle, I still felt despair and I still lost all perspective on life.
But now that it's out of my system, I realize that it may have actually had its benefits. I lost my temper with the kids tonight. Big time. I said things to those boys that no child should ever have to hear.
I was provoked, yes. They were talking back to me, mocking me, disobeying me and tearing this house apart like animals. I asked them to help me pick up their mess and I was told to shut up. How much of that am I expected to take? How many times do I have to tell a five year old not to take his drinks into the family room or tell a seven year old not to torture his brother? Could any parent withstand the pounding and kicking on a door by a two year old who wants a snack ten mintues after dinner? It was sheer chaos here. It was the kind of night that makes me think back to a time when my life was my own. I had peace and tranquility then. I had a sense of self and wasn't just a puppet on a string to three ungrateful beasts who don't view me as human at all.
So I lost it. I said what I said. Horrible, heartbreaking things. Things they'll never forget. Never! How could I do that to them? How could I say what I did? I am worthless. I am certainly not worthy of the boys to whom I gave life.
I'm also not worthy of what I found at my computer desk when I came down after getting those boys to sleep. I found a dozen or so pages of drawings from E.
There was a picture of planets, some with rings, some with craters, all quite detailed.
There was a picture of a boat, with sails and porthole windows.
There was a picture of flags - complete with finnials - flowing in the breeze.
Another picture was of birds flying. They were all smiling and had their little bird feet flying out behind them. It was brilliant.
I found a picture of some animals - a spotted cow with horns, a rabbit with a cottontail and a pig with mud on its face.
Next was a gorgeous picture of a garden of flowers, all standing up straight and proud, under a huge, warm sun.
The next picture made me laugh. It was a page of food - pizza, carrots, tomatoes, a cherry. Many of the words were misspelled, but the drawings were exceptional.
The last picture made me cry. It was a picture of three smiling, waving boys. One with blond hair, one with dark hair and one with a new buzzcut. They were standing in front of a big, new house with a sunburst window on the second floor. The boys were labelled with the same names I gave my boys seven, five and two years ago, respectively.
I have never received such a special gift!
My son left these gifts for me to find, shortly after I told him and his younger brothers that I wish they had never been born and that I hated all of them.
My God, what kind of person am I?