I'll take some cheese with my whine...
2004-03-12 at 12:44 p.m.
K and I had a nasty, ugly fight last night.
Fighting is nothing new to us. We argue about everything there is to argue about. Sadly, many of our fights take place in front of the kids. Even more sadly, the fights are seldom resolved.
This one was one of those where you can't really pinpoint the origin. It's a number of things that jumble together and escalate into something huge.
We fought about money and his impatience with the kids. We fought about how he resents the amount of time I spend online. As far as I'm concerned the biggest issue is his treatment of me.
During our fight, M called to ask how our anniversary was. It couldn't have been more poor timing. K, in the heat of anger, told M it was the anniversary of the darkest day of his life. I can't tell you how much that hurt.
I sometimes look upon that day as a dark one as well, but I would never go so far as to say it to him or anyone else. I think that's what bothers me the most - that I was humiliated to M.
I spent alot of the evening crying and wondering why my life is so difficult. I'm in a marriage I wish I wasn't most of the time. I have three high needs kids, two of whom with mental and/or behavioral disorders. I have no friends and seem to struggle with my own feelings of self-worth. Or lack thereof.
To top it all off, I spoke to my mom this morning. I have been after her for months to come and see my new house and spend some time with me. She claims she can't afford it, but has been here in Missouri three times in the past year for other things, and couldn't seem to find her way to here to St. Louis to see me. She told me she's coming to Missouri in less than a week! But not to see me... She's helping my aunt move my grandmother (the one being used as target practice) to a nursing home near KCity.
I can't help but be so hurt by this. This will be trip number four where I'm once again not important enough to her to take half a day out of her life to come this way to see me. I even offered to go and get her. I realize what's she's doing is important. I realize I sound like a spoiled brat whining that my mommy doesn't want to come and see me, but why all of a sudden is she able to afford a trip here now? But can't, if it involves seeing me? Can you see why this is bothering me?
I'm wallowing in self pity today. I just feel of no use to anyone. My kids see me as the means to an end and my husband scolds me like a four year old. I'm a horrible mother and an equally horrible wife, evidently. Add horrible daughter to that list.
I just want to be happy again.