Getting old...
2003-11-10 at 9:09 a.m.
Something's been on my mind lately. I'm getting old.
I'm 37. To some of you, that may not seem old. To others of you, it might seem decades away. I lie awake this morning, thinking about that number...
37
Maybe I miscounted and I'm actually only 27. 2003-1966 = Yep, I'm 37. Physically, I can feel changes taking place. I'm perimenopausal. My periods (turn away, male readers!), which used to be regular enough to set your clock by, are now all over the calendar. In the past month, I've had three periods, all different in duration, intensity and the symptoms that accompany them.
I'm moody. I'm anxious. I feel despair, followed by extreme elation.
Sometimes I feel downright out of it. Unfortunately, sometimes this occurs while I'm driving. I feel dizzy and forget where I am. I sometimes feel shaky and disoriented.
I've also been overcome with an extreme laziness. My doctor thinks I have a social anxiety disorder, but I don't think that's it. I don't fear being in social situations, I loathe being in social situations. Sometimes. Not all the time. I just can't seem to find the strength or motivation to get up off my ass and do anything. I just want everyone to go the hell away and leave me the hell alone.
This is due, largely in part, to my children. I'm so overwhelmed with the day to day "busy-ness" of running here and running there, that sitting on my ass doing nothing has become a fantasy of mine. It may or may not be a "disorder" of any kind, it's just my preferred choice of ways to relax anymore. It's because it's the polar opposite of what I do most of the time.
I just can't believe I'm almost 40 years old. I have no business being this age. Emotionally, I still feel like a reckless, irresponsible teenager. I feel stupid and dependant. I sometimes wonder what business I have raising children.
I was thinking about a time, not too long ago, when Sar-ah and I used to sit around talking for hours on end about how we weren't sure either one of us wanted to have kids at all. Now, here we are. I have three kids and she's pregnant with baby number three.
37. My life is, for all intents and purposes, half over. That is, if I'm to live the average life expectancy.
My memory is shot. I used to remember the tiniest of details, like all the phone numbers I've ever had and all the room numbers of every hotel in which I've ever stayed. Useless shit, yes. But it gives you an idea how sharp my mind used to be, before turning 37. Now, I can barely remember my current phone number or my kids names. I'm almost completely void of memories of large blocks of time, like my twenties. I vaguely remember turning 21 and ordering my first drink. I remember working at the post office at 22. I remember getting married at 23 and moving back to Missouri at 26. I had E at 29. The rest is fuzzy as a peach.
I know I suffer from Adult Onset ADD (doctor diagnosed) as well as CRS (can't remember shit - self diagnosed). I know I suffer from other ailments, as well but..
I forgot what they were.