Whine and Cheese Party!
2003-10-06 at 8:46 a.m.
I'm just feeling "blah" lately.
Alot of it has to do with my impending vacation. I so need a break. If you can't imagine being trapped in an 890 square foot apartment with the three most rambunctious kids on earth, two of whom have behavioral disorders and are on psycho cycle break from school and the other of whom is two (need I say more), then you have no idea under what kind of stress I am.
Add to that, the guilt I feel. I'm soooo looking forward to this trip. I'm going to hang out with my mom and with my friends. I'm going to sleep as late as I want, which won't really be that late, considering my big ol' body will be on central time. I'm going out to eat in restaurants, for every meal a day, in places I don't have here. The only behavior I'll have to worry about is my own. I'll be able to shop and buy whatever I want. I won't have to settle arguments or walk through the toy section and be suckered into buying more cheap, plastic violent crap for the kids to fight over.
I'm looking forward to this with the perverse passion only a frazzled Mommy could appreciate.
Which makes me feel guilty. What kind of mother fantasizes about getting away from her kids?? I love those boys more than I can express in words, but we need a break from each other. Honestly, my going away is as much for them as it is for me. For a week, they can bond with their dad and not have to endure the sound of my voice, the sight of my face and the ratta-tat-tat of the computer keys. They'll love it. I need these trips to refuel and re-energize. It gives me the strength to go on and to be a good Mommy for the next six months or so until the next trip. It also gives me a break from K, which is desperately needed.
I'm in such a mood.
Another reason I feel blah... physically. I'm in constant pain. I have headaches everyday. I have back pain. My feet still hurt. In fact, yesterday I was chasing G through the yard and did something to my right foot. I heard and felt a huge POP, then I collapsed to the ground (citing a few choice words of profanity). I couldn't put weight on it for the rest of the day and today, it's still quite tender. Whenever I flex it, I feel an explosion of painful tingling throughout my foot.
I'm so old. I'm falling apart.
Maybe this is PMS. I continue to have these little "mini-periods". Here one day, gone the next. Here for two days, gone for three. Light as can be for a day, then BOOM. Yeah, yeah... I know this is TMI. It's also my diary, so deal with it.
See I told you I was in a mood.
I also feel like I have no IRL friends. Everyone I consider a friend, has someone else they consider to be a "best" friend. I feel like I'm only an acquaintance to these people. They never consider me when they go shopping or out to lunch. They call back when I call them, or once every few months to see how I am, but that's it. And even then, there are only a few of them. Imagine! Almost forty years old and no best friend! I haven't had a best friend since high school.
I know what you're all thinking... you're thinking that I just wrote about Lar-ry as being my best friend. You're right. He is. But he's 1896.8 miles away and I only see him twice a year. He and I can do anything together. We shop, sit and drink coffee, rent movies and sit on the beach watching the sunset. He's everything I've ever wanted in a friend... but he's so far away. I wish I had someone here. Someone who popped in unannounced, just to see how my day was going. Someone I could call and say, "Be at the mall in ten minutes!" and she'd be there.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
I need to conclude my pity party, as a wet diaper is calling my name.
11 days until my vacation!
I'm wearing: pink shorty floral jammies
I'm listening to: "Obvious" by Aztec Camera
I'm eating/drinking: coffee
Current weather conditions in St. Charles, MO: sunny and 52 degrees