Just sad

2004-06-16 at 9:32 a.m.


As I briefly summarized in my last two entries, I have been experiencing a shitpot full of bad luck lately. It would seem everything in my life right now is going wrong. E is out of control and home all day to prove such. My other kids are equally as bad with their fighting and constant demands. I feel like all I do all day long is referee fist fights and clean up after other people. I don't mean just toys and clothes, either. I have three little boys and one big boy who can't seem to figure out how to get their bodily fluids into the proper recepticle, leaving huge, revolting messes for me to clean.

Monday, I went upstairs for two minutes to put laundry away, only to return downstairs to find G smearing his own shit onto the television screen. This is a phase with which he experimented a year or so ago and he's decided to once again become a member.

I can't have a minute to myself without being interrupted to fetch food, drinks, toys, videos or things that don't exist. And just because it doesn't exist doesn't mean I don't have to get it and RIGHT NOW, mind you. My kids are so demanding and hateful. They order me around all day and night and when I try to exude some parental authority, they mock me. When I have had all I can take and resort to punishment, which sometimes involves spanking, it only makes them worse. I have three kids who are stark, raving out of control.

Saturday, a ball I don't allow in the house made its way into the house and knocked over a lamp in the family room. This same lamp has been broken three times in its six month long life span. This was the blow that lead to its ultimate demise. That same day in the mail, I received a $20 gift card to Target, courtesy of My Points (yes, it really does work! It's not a scam!!). I was hoping to treat myself to something special, but instead I had to use the card to get a new lamp.

Money is also a problem right now. We have none. We never do. It's our own fault. K makes fair money, not great, but enough. The problem is we eat out way too much. After a day of dealing with the kids, I'm too stressed to make a healthy, attractive dinner for five people. It's way too easy to say, "Fuck it - we're eating out!" At $40 or so a trip, this is something we can ill afford. On the rare occasions when I can find the time and energy to prepare a meal, at least two of the kids turn their noses up at it and demand I make them something else. I've tried the "eat it or starve" approach, but as with everything, they wear me down until I make them what they want. It drains me emotionally and makes me not want to cook anymore.

I've never been able to budget my money. Every payday, I feel this weight lifted off my shoulders and I go wild. Not go-to-the-mall-and-buy-everything-in-sight wild, but I buy things at the grocery store that I shouldn't. I buy things for the house that I shouldn't. We go out to eat like we shouldn't. Next thing I know, bills I had forgotten come in and we have no money to pay them.

This was the case yesterday when the electricity in my home was shut off because I paid less than the minimum required to keep us turned on. I won't go into the details, nor explain the hoops through which we jumped to get it turned back on, but suffice it to say, I once again have electricity and I won't ever allow it to be turned off again.

I just feel so low right now. I'm 60 pounds overweight, I have no self-esteem, no energy and no life. I raise children and am likely doing a shitty job of it. My life sucks ass and I have no IRL friends. I know where my own true happiness lies and I'm helpless to do a thing about it. I'm trapped. I watch other people living their lives happily, and I feel like it's a fast moving train, aboard which I can't find the energy to jump.

I mean... I know I have things for which to be thankful. My kids are happy, healthy (physically) and beautiful as can be. I have a beautiful home, at least until the June mortgage payment bounces. And I guess I'm even thankful for my husband, most of the time. He was the one who bailed us out of the mess into which I got us yesterday with the electric company.

I just wish I was happy again. Of all the things in my life that make me unhappy, what makes me most sad is the fact that I'm ... unhappy. Does that make sense??

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