Good reports and bad grandmas...
2003-09-25 at 9:29 a.m.
I always think of tons of entry-worthy material when I'm away from my computer, but as soon as I sit down to write, I go blank.
I drove past our house-to-be three times yesterday. I'm amazed at the progress they've made. They have the entire first floor studded. When I went back in the afternoon, they had the garage up. I'll go back this weekend and take pictures to share. I can't believe how big that place seems! Maybe it's just from being cramped in this little apartment that makes it seem so big, but nonetheless, I can't wait to be able to spread out a little.
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J's parent/teacher conference was last night. I sent K this time and agreed that I would go to E's conference Friday morning. Either there are two Js in his class or J has multiple personalities. The teacher says he's very well behaved and they've never had one single discipline issue with him. This is the same child who kicks me in the back and tells me he's going to slap me "at my face" and make me "be on fire" if I don't give him the most unreasonable of requests. She also said that J very likely has a very high IQ and that they can test him if we wish to do so. This couldn't possibly be the same child who can't seem to remember where we keep the toilet.
I guess I'd rather him behave at school and for other people, but damn, I wish he'd be that good for me once in awhile.
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As I think I may have mentioned, I get to spend my birthday this year driving my kids halfway across the state to see my grandmother from hell. For those of you who may not know, my grandmother has never been my favorite person. As a child I can remember thinking that she never had a nice thing to say about anyone. She was the most hateful, bitter woman I'd known. Up until recenly, I was spared her wrath. But a few years ago, when E was first diagnosed, Grandma was quoted as saying that I was responsible for E's being mentally ill - because of how I "treat" him. As painful as this was to hear, I also find it amusing. My grandmother knows absolutely nothing of how I treat my children. She hasn't seen me or the kids since they were toddlers, so what could she possibly know of my parenting?
She also spoke ill of me to my mother, concerning the fact that I never come to see her (imagine that) with the boys. This comment was made back when I didn't have a car to my name. In order for me to go anywhere, I had to load up the kids and take K to work, then pick him up at the end of the day. It was K's company car, so I was restricted in my use of it. Then when I did get a vehicle, her nasty comments had been made and I had no intention of wasting any time going to see her. I also didn't want to chance her poisoning my childrens' minds against me or making comments to or about them that could haunt them forever.
The biggest and by far most painful thing she ever said to me came in the form of a letter. I had just become pregnant with G. I had taken alot of grief from friends and family for becoming pregnant again when our family was already in so much turmoil (E being ill, K and I fresh off of contemplating divorce, etc). No one seemed to understand my strong, urgent desire to have a child. I felt I had to justify it to everyone. It's hard to believe to look at G's beautiful face, that there was ever any doubt in anyone's mind that I should have had him!
Anyway... I wrote to "Granny" and told her about my decision to have another baby. She wrote back and congratulated me, saying that I needed to justify my decision to no one, that it was my life and I should be supported in everything I do - that no one should tell me what to do.
I thought... maybe finally she was coming around and changing her dispostion. Then I read on.
"L, you need to talk to E's doctor and find out at what age you can have E mandatorily sterilized. He should never be permited to procreate and put another child throught he hell you have put him through."
I was deflated. First, she contradicted herself by immediately turning right around and giving me unsolicited advice, then to go on to say something so utterly cruel, was unforgivable. What I put E through? How? By having him? E has brought me more joy than grief and I wouldn't trade him or anything I've been through with him or because of him for anything. I should deny him the same right to parent a child of his own? E is a sensitive, loving, spectacular child who accels at everything he attempts. Why shouldn't I believe that he would be every bit as successful as a parent? Finally, E and I will likely do battle over many issues in life. I don't need to add another completely unnecessary battle by stripping him of his rights as a human being because of something that may or may not ever happen. E's chances of conceiving a mentally ill child are no greater than anyone else's.
The bitch.
Now she's requested that I bring the kids to see her. The only reason I've agreed to do so, is because my Mom will be there and has asked me. Otherwise, I'd just as soon never see her again. Yes, it's a cruel thing to say about one's grandmother, but I have enough turmoil in my life, I don't need to accept her's, do I?
Well, this is getting long and I'm getting hungry. See ya 'round.
25 days until my vacation!
I'm wearing: peach/coral jammies
I'm listening to: "Here, There and Everywhere" by Clay Aiken
I'm eating/drinking: nothing yet
Current weather conditions in St. Charles, MO: sunny, breezy and 55 degrees