Hoping for a better day...
2004-01-08 at 6:59 a.m.
I'm feeling a little better after last night's entry. When I went to bed, I stopped by each of the kids' rooms, kissed them and told them each how much I love them. I told them I am grateful to have them and bless the day they each were born. I also told them how sorry I am for the horrible things I said. I told E the pictures he made were the most special I'd ever seen and I cherish them. I plan to tell them all of this again this morning when they awaken, as they probably didn't hear a word of it, being asleep.
As sorry as I am for saying the things I did, I can't help but feel this kind of thing might happen again. I'll stop myself before saying hurtful things to them next time, but I'm sure last night won't be the last time they push me over the edge.
I feel as if I have no control over my kids. They say and do things to me that would shock most of you. True, some of it is the condition from which they suffer. Some of it, in E's case, is garbage he picks up from his classmates, then brings him home to try out on me. J sees how much it upsets me, so he uses it, too. I guess it's only a mat-ter of time before G picks it up, as well. Why do my kids take pleasure in hurting me?
I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew how to effectively discipline my kids. Most of the time, they get away with whatever they try, because taking away their privledges does nothing more than enrage them. They run me, they run this house and they know it. They have the power over me and I wish I knew what to do to get it back.
Before I had kids, I had all the answers. I knew how to make a child mind me. I wouldn't stand for back talk or smart-mouthing. Not me! Other paretns did, but I wasn't going to! Christ, I sounded like all the other childless people who think they know all there is to know about child-rearing. Just what is it I was going to do to make my kids behave? Why did I think I had all the answers? I wish I was as smart now as I professed to be then. Then I could tell myself what to do when E says, "Fuck you, bitch! You better not take away my TV!" Or when J throws a marathon kicking and crying fit because I turned right instead of left when we were out driving somewhere.
Just thinking about it drains every bit of energy right out of me.
The next time, I'll bite my tongue before I say hurtful things to my kids. But when will they learn to do the same?