Ups and Downs
2004-09-02 at 6:01 p.m.
Another day of highs and lows here. While driving home from a discouraging trip to Walfuckingreens (to be discussed at a later time) I got a call on my cell phone from the psychologist at the school. They feel that it would be in E's best interests if he was offered transportation to and from school on a "special" bus....
Didn't I tell you it was coming?
Even though they assure me there haven't been any further incidents with misbehavior, they want to take a pre-emptive step to assure any further incidents. For his own sake, of course.
Yes, of course.
I was told that it likely wouldn't take place until next week sometime. I asked if it was possible that J ride the "special" bus, as well. For one thing, I don't want two different kids on two different schedules. I also don't want to face the humiliation at the regular bus stop when one child is there and the other isn't. This way, the new bus will come later and drop off sooner and none of my neighbors will be any the wiser as to what's going on. Another reason I want J on this new bus is that the other kids are picking on him pretty hard. They made such fun of him today for a stuffed duck he brought for show and tell, that he cried for an hour when he got home.
Do you know what that makes me want to do? It makes me want to climb aboard that bus and pull every hair out of every kid who's ever so much as looked at either of my kids. Little cocksucking bastards...
I hate that children are so cruel. You don't have to look far to see the obvious differences in J from the other kids. Physically, he's normal. But then you see the obsessive way in which he counts things, lists things and lines them in order. You hear him go on and on and on about absolutely nothing. You see him fall to a pile of ash over nothing. No one sees the brilliant, funny, loving, quirky little boy I see. And they don't see the tears I wipe away from his sweet face after a day of being pushed to the limit by those who just don't understand.
I had myself another good "why me" cry on the way home. I don't know why it bothers me so much that they're ordering a different bus for the boys. I actually prefer it that way. I see how overwhelmed E gets when he climbs on in the morning and faces two dozen kids, snarling at him in disgust. I can only imagine how that feels. I hurt for him and I feel his anxiety. Hell, I'm the one from whom he inherited anxiety in the first place. Sorry about that, kid.
But for some reason, I feel as if we failed by the "new bus" decision. I feel defeated. And I once again feel the "how come everybody else's kids are okay" burden on my shoulders.
Parenting didn't look like this in the brochures.
I was once again reassured when E came home and gave me some of the work he's been doing this week. He's gotten 100% on two math tests, an "A" on a "My Family" story he wrote and took some fantastic social studies notes. I got a note from the special needs teacher telling me how well he's doing and what good days he's had. My smart boy. What he fails in bus riding, he makes up in classroom intelligence. Busses are vile, nasty hulls that bring out the worst in everyone, I think.
I think that Walfuckingreen's story will have to wait. It's late and I need to get dinner dished up.
Thanks for being there for me, diary and its readers.