Kids, kids everywhere
2004-03-29 at 3:54 p.m.
E starts back to school on Wednesday. I'm overjoyed at the thought, but sad at the same time. I'm sad because I had all kinds of plans for us this past cycle break. I had planned to take the kids to the park near our house. I planned to do some fun art projects. And I've been promising E we'd do a craft project that he got for his birthday.
Something always stands in the way of our doing things. Usually, it's E and his behavior. He's so wild and out of control, I can't sit him down and do a structured activity with him. I don't know if he's developing an immunity to his medication or is he's outgrowing his dosage, but whatever the reason, all I really want him to do anymore is go to his room and leave me alone.
I hate that I feel that way, but I do. Sometimes I think if I have to hear fart noises or profanity one more time from that smart little mouth of his, I'm gonna lose it.
I enjoy E when he's calm and not bouncing off the walls. I love being around him and spending time with him. But lately, he's so hard to control, I can't do a thing to bring him back down to the floor. It's like he's tripping on acid or something.
J is the same way. I can't do anything structured with him. All he wants to do is fuck around and drive me crazy.
G is my only well behaved child, but even he gives me gray hair. If I were to take the kids to the park, G would take off. I know I couldn't catch him, not with my old, decrepit feet.
I know the kids are bored and that's likely why they act up so often. I just wish I had the type of kids I could do things with and spend "quality time". They would rather throw toys around the house, drop things from the second floor to the first and fart on each other. Their TV shows mean more to them than anything I can offer, unless it's ice cream.
For a change of pace, I took the kids out for a drive today. I thought it might help things if we could get out and get some fresh air. While we were driving, it went from sunny to cloudy and the temperature dropped 15 degrees. It started to rain and the kids all got grumpy and restless. They picked at each other. They fought over the headphones for the DVD player. They looked at each other. I ended up screaming at them all to shut up while I drove. I have trouble enough concentrating while I drive without constant bickering and whining coming from the back seats.
As we were on our way home, the kids were whimpering in their seats from me scolding them and I was fuming for having to scold them, I heard "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.
I started to cry. That song always makes me realize how blessed I am and how I hate myself when I have to get angry with the kids. I apologized to them for hollering, which made them think it was now okay to resume fighting and yelling. I can't win.
I'm not sure where I was going with this entry. I'm just a jumble of thoughts right now. I just need a break from life.