My Trip
2004-03-30 at 9:02 a.m.
I look so forward to my trips to California. I get giddy with excitement over the thought of spending eight unadulterated days, sleeping as late as I want, not having to change diapers, pour sippy cups, referee fights or listen to the Dragon Tales theme song.
I love being able to sleep alone. I love being able to watch HGTV 24 hours a day, if I so choose. I love not having children in tow as I shop my ass off. I love spending time with my mom and my friends.
But I miss my boys. I miss so much it hurts. Part of what hurts is the guilt I feel for needing to get away from them for awhile. I keep telling myself that everyone benefits from these trips. The kids get a much needed break from me, K gets to take time off of work and be with his children, my mom gets out of her house for a week (she comes with me to the condo) and I get time to clear my head. It's a win-win-win-win situation.
Then why do I feel so guilty? Words from my former friend, H_ _ _ _, ring in my head...
"Don't you feel horrible for abandoning your children and saddling your husband with them for a week, while you sun yourself on a beach?"
H is wrong, of course. She's childless and doesn't understand the perils of a stay at home mom. Especially a stay at home mom whose children have issues. If I didn't take my trips, I'd surely lose my mind.
She's also wrong to think I'm saddling K with his own kids. K isn't a babysitter, he's their father. He has a responsibility to care for them. It's not as if he's an outsider I've hired to watch them. Besides, K genuinely enjoys being with the kids. And it gives him a sense of what I experience everyday. It kind of keeps him in check for the next time he dares to think, "What do you DO all day?"
I'm so fortunate to have our time share condo on the beach. Without it, I'd be having to scrape hundreds of dollars together to stay at a crappy hotel or sleep on my mom's couch, two hours away from where I really want to be: Ven-tura County.
I so love how routine my trips have become. Mom and I don't even have to consult each other as to what we're going to do next. We know what we're going to do and when. We know where we're going to eat and when. Where we're going to shop and when.
But I so miss those boys. I hear their sweet little voices on the phone every morning and it makes me so sad to be away from them.
And I worry. I remind K to not open the second floor windows and to watch G while he eats. I remind him how to safely buckle them into their car seats and to keep an eye on J so he doesn't escape out the front door. If something ever happened to one of my kids while I was "sunning myself on a beach", I'd never forgive myself for it.
But my worry is for naught. They're always fine.
Only 24 more days! I'm excited, I think!