Mommy's Law
2004-03-11 at 7:44 a.m.
I suspect my UPS man will be retiring after yesterday.
You've heard of Murphy's Law, but let me explain to you the theory behind "Mommy's Law". Mommy's Law dictates that when delivery personnel, servicemen or other unsuspecting visitors ring the door bell of a structure housing children, said children are required to embarrass the very mother who gave them the gift of life.
This Law was proven yesterday afternoon, approximately 4:00pm, when the innocent victim, this time the UPS delivery person, came to my door. Approximately three minutes later, he ran from my home screaming. Let me explain the events occurring in between such times...
*Ding Dong*
Five year old screams, "DOOOOOO-OOOORRRRR!!! I'll get it! No! I'll get it! ME ME ME ME ME!!!!"
Eight year old pushes five year old down and says, triumphantly, "No. I GET DOORS AROUND HERE!!" (And this law is written... where??)
Two year old, assuming person at door is here to view his naked body, disrobes.
Mother, old and decrepit, staggers to door, moving aforementioned children aside. Mother struggles with child-proof door knob guard, before finally asking child-proof-proof child to open door for her. There she greets innocent delivery person, unaware and of what he's done to himself by accepting this position of employment...
Eight year old, with peanut butter and jelly sandwich chewed into shape of a gun, pretends to shoot UPS man.
Five year old, with finger inserted in own nose, asks UPS man if he has a penis.
Two year old, shows UPS man his penis and shortly thereafter, shows what his penis can do, by pissing all over hardwood floor in entry.
Mother, red faced and defeated, accepts package, apologizes to man and wishes a bolt of lightning would come out of clear blue sky and strike her dead.
Door closes and children quietly resume their previous activities, as if doorbell had not rung.
This, is Mommy's Law. Take notes, you will be quizzed on this material.